note: i wrote/vommited this out in 12/06. While not feeling the negative energy that i was obviously consumed by when i wrote this, i felt as though it were still a righteous period to a long sentence. It still makes me think and smile and sigh. I love the condition of Life, and the fallible minds we have to make the best of it with. I now see exactly why they are where they are, and why they're with whom they're with. Clay buildings set out in front of the summer equinox. They used to form a skyline at one point.....yea, USED TO. They still stand, just not tall. Swallow this whole, but not on an empty stomach:
When life passes you by, you wake up. In waking up, you move on. In moving on, have you caught back up to life? If it's passing, and you're moving, who's to say you aren't neck and neck? If, in being neck and neck, you move on once more, WITHOUT life passing you by, are you now ahead of life, and/or beyond time? I doubt that. I don't doubt that you can move past life though. Instant gratification leads to new you's and me's. I see through, though i partake, and find it hard to watch midgets try to stand in an ocean. Don't they know they won't be ready for the tide?
I met a man the other day who told me to stop trying. He said, "No one cares as much as they say they do." So, i asked, "Do they care more about what they don't say?" to which he replied, "Precisely, and our thoughts about ourselves are locked in our heads. Never do we speculate our own Self outloud."
To admit you care for something, then, is admitting that you've found room to care about something, or someone, in the midst about caring and thinking only about yourself.
You may be thinking, you cynic you, that i'm full of bull's shit, and that you, for one, care about tons of things and/or people, and not only do you care for them, but you care ALOT. Well, to that i say, such is proof of how much you truly regard yourself. If the self induced thought is unavoidable....well, then, you also fall victim to it. What my head is wondering is: How do you possibly find time to think about yourself as much as you do, and still have things and/or people you'd argue for and fight for and maybe even die for. Perhaps i'm one of these people. I feel as if i care, to an extreme degree, about others. I feel, sometimes, like i do for them moreso than myself. This, i know now, is untrue. Disregarding, hating, loathing, despising. These are all horrible thoughts one can have about oneself....but it doesn't mean they aren't solely thinking about themself.
I've learned alot over the past two years. Mostly, it's that nothing stays the same. 23 year old Wesley would beat the shit out of 21 year old Wesley. Not for choices he made, but for trains of thought he possesed. For not getting it. I still only get what i'm no longer able to change. In understanding yesterday, do we really have better opportunities for tomorow? I think not. It's mostly relative to hot and cold, right and wrong. We program ourselves, or "learn from our mistakes" in an entirely subjective way. If 23 year old me would kick 21 year old me's ass, then whose to say i'm able to learn anything from that boy?
Live in the moment then? Sure, why not. Live in a dream world. Where girls conquer their insecurities, and guys don't give them any. Where girls don't test boundaries, and guys don't give them reason to. Where a girls broken heart can't find room to break the boy who broke her. Where telling someone you love them isn't followed with a "but,....."
I smoke too much to dream anyhow...
note: 26 year old wesley would kick the shit out of both 23 & 21 year old Wesley.